We're at a party, Lemon. Try to loosen up a little.
How can I loosen up?
I'm in Connecticut, I haven't eaten
and I'm stressed about an "away toilet" situation.
Do you know how lucky we are?
We are in Gavin Volure's home.
He was the C.E.O. of SunStream.
Yeah, I don't know what that is.
Is this potpourri or chips?
'Cause I'm gonna try to eat it.
Volure's a god.
He was the first man to be on the cover of
"Fortune" and "Jet" magazine at the same time.
Of course, that was back when "Jet"
was actually about jet ownership.
That magazine took a weird turn.
These are not chips.
Then, he fell off the face of the earth.
Sold SunStream and shut himself off from the world.
They say he hasn't left his home in almost three years.
Well, I hope he shows up for dinner.
He's already here.
Thank you all for coming tonight.
Because of my... severe agoraphobia
and my... debilitating wealth...
I am forced to bring the world to me
and host dinners for interesting people from all walks of life:
the world of fashion...
society...
art collecting and yelling.
Why isn't there any good art in here? Come on!
Business
and historical fiction.
Really?
What if the Germans had won the war, Lemon?
And the arts.
I'm glad Jack was able to bring you, Liz.
I asked him about you after I saw your photo
in the Style section of "The New York Times."
Funny story-- I was only wearing that because
the fire alarm went off while I was getting a haircut.
Well, you looked beautiful.
And, as always
I keep one chair empty
to represent our unfulfilled hopes and dreams.
I'm just kidding.
Eliot Spitzer's hooker couldn't make it.
Now, I want to send my driver
into Manhattan to pick up dessert.
Anybody know a good place for cupcakes?
I think there's...
McEnroe...
give me a break. I'm on it.
77th and Amsterdam, 68th and Columbus...
1 25th and President Clinton Boulevard.
Also, don't overthink it.
Sara Lee, frozen. Unbelievable.
Mr. Jordan, what are you still doing here?
I don't want to go home, Ken.
You know my two sons, Tracy Jr. and George Foreman?
They've been acting really weird lately.
Where you going?
N... nowhere.
Those two have never paid me any attention.
And rightly so.
I'm a strange man who can't be taken seriously.
Now, they won't let me out of their sight.
Well, maybe they love you.
Nope. Look what the little one made me.
Aw, that's cute.
This is voodoo, Ken!
Those two are up to something.
Sometimes, kids act out when there's a big change.
I know I was a handful when my family moved
from our farmhouse to that militia camp in the woods.
Well, there is all this new money coming in.
And it's not just from the video game.
It's the tie-ins, the toys
the life-size Tracy Jordan sex doll
that's selling like hotcakes in Japan.
Well, you know what they say: money is the root of all evil.
I thought that was just the tagline for my movie
"Death Bank."
I can't believe you're out of the game.
It's like Picasso not painting
or Bruce Willis not combining action and rock harmonica.
Don't you miss it?
I do, that's why I'm forming a new company.
wind power...
bandwidth, Chinese market.
Oh, God!
I'm funding the whole thing myself.
Partners... oy.
Jack...
you're drooling. If you want in
I'll make a little room and pull some strings.
This is the most exciting day of my life.
And I was pulled
onstage once to dance at a Bruce Springsteen concert.
Welcome aboard.
Just think...
this time next year, you'll be so rich
you can run for political office without having to pretend
to be a Fundamentalist.
Jack, the car is here.
Oh.
Liz, thank you for coming.
I really enjoyed your cupcakes.
And because my agoraphobia- related germ issues prevent
direct human contact, I wonder if Carl here
might say good night to you for me?
Carl?
Good night, Liz.
I hope to see you again soon.
Okay. Good night.
Guys, listen up.
I just got a memo saying that
every floor in the building has to designate
a floor emergency marshal
for fires, terrorist attacks
"Cloverfield" monsters.
I can't do it because my head is too big for the helmet.
So... any volunteers?
No, but you have a big head.
That's not a burn. I just said that.
Hey, guys.
Cerie, is my phone ringing?
It is. Wow, you have, like, dog ears.
So, are you going to...
Okay.
Hello?
Hey, Liz. It's Gavin Volure.
Oh, hi.
Listen, I only took that napkin because
I wrapped some chicken in it.
That's not why I'm calling.
I just had a good time with you the other night
and I wondered if you'd like to come out again this Saturday.
Are you having another party?
No.
Oh.
Well, this must be what the kids call
a "booty call."
I haven't been out of the house since 2004
and even I know the kids don't call it that anymore.
So, uh... what do you say?
Um... yes, I guess. Right?
Okay, I'll send a helicopter to take you to the train station.
Okay.
Bye.
What the what?
Well, it's gonna be a beautiful...
sunny day today and we can expect...
much more of the same over the next few days...
Authorities came to believe
that the Menendez brothers acted out of pure greed.
The only thing standing between them
and tremendous wealth was...
What?
Say it!
Their father, Jose Menendez.
My kids are going to kill me!
Ooh!
Kenneth, what are you doing?
Oh, hello, sir.
I've been taking in laundry to make extra money.
I just don't let myself read the t-shirts with off-color slogans.
Laundry? Kenneth, I know we pay you a living wage.
I fought against it.
Yes, sir, but I've had to send more money home lately.
There are problems on the farm.
After years of inbreeding, the pigs are getting violent
and the pig shield around the house has worn thin.
Kenneth, how much money do you have in your savings?
Well, let's see...
$80,000.
If you don't include Confederate money.
$4,000.
I'm going to invest that for you.
A friend has presented me
with a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
and I want to include you.
Oh, Mr. Donaghy! Thank you, sir!
After I invest this money
you'll be able to buy your folks a pig moat.
Well, that would be great if pigs weren't excellent swimmers.
Jack, Gavin Volure just called and asked me out--
I mean, in--for the weekend.
I thought he might. He asked if we were involved.
I said you used to have a thing for me
but you were getting over it.
That is what's happening, right?
Yeah. Listen, I kind of told him I'd go.
You should. What's the problem?
I don't know. I'm still tired from that dinner.
And meeting someone new?
Ugh, all the nodding and smiling and sibling listing.
And what's the upside?
It works and you have to have a bunch of sex?
Lemon, what do you want?
Do you want to be alone for the rest of your life?
No, I just wish I could start a relationship about 12 years in
when you really don't have to try anymore.
And you can just sit around together and goof on TV shows
and then go to bed without anybody trying
any funny business.
Lemon, don't over-think this. Gavin is a fabulous guy.
If I were dating a man, he would be at the top of my list
with Michael Jordan, Denzel Washington, Taye Diggs...
God, do I have a black thing?
I do like him.
Lemon? You're going to go to Gavin's
and you're going to work this thing like a Chinese gymnast--
Wear something tight, force a smile... and lie about your age.
Hey, guys...
Daddy's home.
Don't Menendez me.
We made the hockey team!
And, uh, this is the study.
Oh, this is interesting.
Uh... one of these benches is a priceless work of art
and the other is
an ordinary bench from which to admire it.
Which one is which?
So you just never leave this house?
Uh, I'm afraid not.
And it does get lonely.
I'd be lying if I told you I've never danced with a broom.
That's nothing.
Sometimes, to feel like I have company during dinner
I dispute credit card charges on speakerphone.
Thanks for coming up.
I know my situation is complicated
but, uh, I really enjoyed your company the other night.
I had a great time, too.
So with your agoraphobia...
how does this... work?
Well... it's not easy.
We can never leave the house.
And we'd just probably sit around all weekend and watch TV.
Go on.
There's not much else to do up here but eat
and read celebrity gossip on the internet and nap the day away.
Really?
And, unfortunately, uh, because of my phobias
we could never be physically intimate.
I know.
What woman would want all that?
Um...
Oh, hello, Kenneth.
Please, sit down.
I'm sorry to bother you, Mr. Donaghy
but I've got another $10 I'd like to invest.
I did some street performing in my neighborhood this weekend.
Kenneth, I'm very proud of you. Next stop, home ownership.
I'm just kidding.
The middle class is dying. You'll be renting forever.
Uh, let's just call my broker.
Hey, Jack.
Hey, Walter, I just want to check on an investment
I made on Friday.
All right, let's pull it up.
Uh, that... that account was closed out.
What?
Yeah, zero balance as of this morning.
I don't know what, uh... that hot tip was
but you'd have been better off putting that money
in a coffee can.
Hi, Walter.
This is Kenneth Parcell, NBC page program.
What's the status of my investment?
Gavin, this was wonderful.
I really enjoyed watching MTV Canada with you.
Yeah.
They can't seem to get anything right up there, can they?
I hope you'll come back. Maybe next weekend?
I'd like that.
Me, too.
Well, I should go.
Do you have everything? Do you have your cell phone?
Oh, um...
Oh... nerds. Where is it?
Oh, uh... there it is, in the other room.
Carl?
Could you get Liz's cell phone for her
so I can say a proper goodbye?
Thanks, buddy.
Anyway, I just...
We don't have much time, Liz!
What?
Look, Liz, I've decided I can trust you
so I'm going to tell you the truth.
I'm not really an eccentric agoraphobe.
I just tell people that so they won't know
I'm under house arrest for tax fraud... and arson.
Volure!
Ah! The wind must have blown it shut, Carl!
I'm searching for the key!
Carl's a U.S. Marshal.
Come, before they shoot!
I thought Derek was upstairs!
I miscounted the men, Liz!
I miscounted the men!
Gavin, it's Jack.
Please call me immediately.
Also, that joke answering machine message makes me
really think you've picked up.
So, I start talking and then it beeps and, uh...
I feel like a fool.
Hey, your friend is a crook.
He's under house arrest for tax fraud, embezzlement
and racketeering.
What is racketeering?!
No one knows, Lemon.
And he's not a germaphobe!
I thought I was helping him when I let him
hold my boob while we watched "Top Chef."
Oh, I'm sorry.
You should be. You made me go up there.
Well, I'm going to fix this.
I'm going to get Kenneth his money back, and for you
I'm going to hit Gavin Volure harder
than a bottle of whiskey at an Irish wake.
Tracy, get out of the hallway.
Or am I?
Oh, God, this dream again?
That's not me.
That's the Tracy Jordan Japanese sex doll.
You can tell us apart because
it's not suffering from a vitamin deficiency.
Other than the natural inclination
to make love to yourself, why did you get this?
To use as a decoy.
So my greedy children
will murder it and I'll be able to escape un-Menendezed.
This is insanity.
Or is it?
The parallels between
the Jordans and the "Menendai" are uncanny.
Both families are rich, both families have two sons
and both families are staples of Court TV.
Money does make people crazy. Look at Gavin.
And he doesn't have the lifelong scarring of an absentee father.
Exactly!
You want to get one? I can get you one.
You've got 10 seconds, Volure.
I'm sorry, Jack, but I needed that money for my escape.
And it's all gone.
I spent it...
on disguises.
What about your billions? What about SunStream?
SunStream is why I'm trapped here.
It's not a real company.
If you watch our commercials, we never actually say what we did.
Innovation...
tomorrow...
America...
SunStream.
You can't be broke. What about this house?
The government owns this house.
I share it with three other white-collar criminals.
Hey, Glenn! That's my peanut butter!
God, you're pathetic.
Creamy? This is, this is not my pea...
I'm sorry, Glenn.
I know. I'm pathetic.
But I never meant to hurt Liz.
I miss her, Jack.
I miss her laughter, her voice...
the sound of her scratching
her dry elbow skin all the way up... ow!
Damn it!
I have got a serious case of the Mondays!
Gavin, you're going to have to make this thing right.
I will, Jack, I promise.
We trusted you, Gavin.
I know, good point.
And you betrayed us.
Wow, that's wonderful news!
Gavin?
Gavin, what are you doing in there?
Yep! You and me both, pal!
I'll just be a minute.
Carl!
Gosh, these acoustics in here are fantastic!
# Tomorrow, tomorrow, I'll love you?
# Tomorrow, it's only a day, doh-doh-day...?
Uh, Kenneth?
I couldn't get your money back and I'm sorry.
I feel responsible, so I want you to have this.
Mr. Donaghy, I can't take that.
Well, what would this country be if our economy didn't allow
wealthy people to take advantage of rubes?
Well, yes, that's true, but what about your family?
Oh, don't worry about us.
We Parcells have eaten our share of rock soup and squirrel tail.
But we've also known lean times. We'll get by.
Kenneth!
I need someone to be our floor emergency marshal.
And you came to me first?
Thank you, sir!
Uh, Pete... doesn't that responsibility come with
a $4,000 signing bonus?
Uh...
yes?
Oh, right, I remember that meeting...
where you also said I would get a per diem for gas.
Yes. Yes, um... 12 cents a mile.
Yes! Hornberger!
Yes... Hornberger.
Tracy Jr: Daddy?
It begins.
Daddy, are you awake?
I keep having this scary dream.
I dreamed that you'll get so rich that you leave us
and get a new family
and never come back.
And, Daddy, I don't want you to leave us
'cause I love you.
I love you so much.
I love you too, son!
Stop it!
Stop "patriciding!" It's me!
There's nothing to be freaked out about!
That's just a Japanese sex doll in Daddy's bed.
Now, you listen.
You don't have to ever worry about me leaving
'cause I'll always be there to take care of you.
And there's something else.
If anything ever happens to me...
you and your brother are going to go to jail.
Liz Lemon!
Look!
I'm not dead.
Good to know.
Yes, it is.
Oh, also, everything worked out with Jenna's dad visiting.
What?
Oh, you weren't really around for any of that.
Cast to the stage for rehearsal.
Cast to the stage...
Hello, Liz.
Oh, my God! Gavin?
Shh.
We're supposed to be quiet during rehearsal.
What are you doing here?
I came back for you, Liz.
I was free. I was across the Canadian border.
No, you weren't. What's the scam?
Do you want money?
No, I'm not lying. I can prove it-- look.
Cheap cholesterol medicine from Canada...
a Paris Hilton film released only in Canada.
"Camp of Approval"? What does that even mean?
Liz, what's the point of being free if you're alone?
You get me.
Come with me to Canada.
Toronto is just like New York but without all the stuff.
Absolutely not.
Volure.
I thought by now, you'd be some place that U.S. Iaw
couldn't touch you, like Bali or Utah.
What made you come back?
The reason is standing right next to you.
I came back for Liz.
Liz isn't going anywhere, Volure.
I already told him that.
You've already done enough damage
taking advantage of her loneliness
and her Big Ben-sized biological clock.
Oh, come on.
I'm stopping it. I can't believe I'm saying this
to the great Gavin Volure, but Liz Lemon is too good for you.
Oh, well, that is nice.
It's over, Volure. Give me the brush.
You stay back. I swear I will paint you.
I am not going
to real prison.
I've lost everything.
I'm financially ruined. I've lost Liz.
That paint is drying weird.
And now, prison?
Not prison...
not for Gavin Volure.
What are you doing?
Get down from there!
Good God, Volure.
That's gotta be 15, 16 feet!
Everybody, stand back.
Gavin Volure is gonna jump!
We need the floor emergency marshal!
Gavin Volure! Everybody wanted to be Gavin Volure!
Volure, calm down.
Gavin, don't do this.
All right, everyone, I'm in charge!
Does anyone need water or saltines?
I would feel safer with some saltines.
I had the money.
I had the yacht, I had the women.
I had it all and then I lost it!
And now... I'm gonna jump!
Gavin, listen to me.
I know you've had some setbacks lately.
Glenn ate all my peanut butter!
Gavin, I'm not gonna lie to you.
You'll probably be killed in the first six months of prison.
But that's neither here nor there.
The important thing is that you're alive now
which means there's hope.
You know? You're making a lot of sense.
Yes, you have to pay for the things you've done.
You're not making sense anymore!
In spite of everything
you still have friends who will stand by you.
And, more importantly, perhaps most importantly of all...
Now, Tracy!
What? But you're down there.
Or am I?
Good job, sex doll.
He miscounted the men.
You know, a lot of people look down on sex dolls.
But as we saw tonight
they save lives and bring families together.
How am I such an expert? I'm Tracy Jordan's sex doll.
All right, let's do this!